Welcome suspect guests with wander lust!
Writing is not a literary act, but a spiritual quest. I have decided to write a novel and to also write by any means possible - BLOG. I am on a spiritual quest and have a deep desire to share this quest with my friends and family. Welcome to my blog. Feel free to invite others, I only ask that we conduct the repartee with respect.
My friend Bob sent me an e-mail today. The e-mail was a divine questionaire titled GODS TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONAIRE. The title line of the e-mail was TOTAL SATISFACTION. If only it were that easy. The questionaire is included at the end of this blog for our mutual enjoyment. I could not help but reflect on the sentiment contained in the e-mail. The comments I am making are rooted in the theology of the Christian writer Eugene Peterson. Thanks to my friend James, who loaned me the book, I read it on my trip to Guam to visit my daughter after the birth of my first grand daugher Madeline. (James I will return the book soon!) Upon reading this email, the sentiment of the book came flooding back to me. There is a sermon inside this e-mail, I said to myself. I considered sending it to some of my learned colleagues who are still in Seminary, but then I thought, no I will try this one on for size. For those of you who do not realize it, I left Seminary and have embarked on another path. I am getting a Doctorate in Education, EdD. I will return to Seminary at some future date. Like I said, I am on a spiritual quest.
"Askesis is to spirituallity what a training regimen is to an athlete It is not the thing itself, but the means to maturity and excellence. Otherwise we are at the mercy of the glands and weather." Eugene Peterson, Under the Predictable Plant
Everyone's particular brand of askesis differs, but with out an askesis -which is simply a time and a place of confinement and concentration, there is a lack of energy of the spirit. Askesis is a word used by the early church to make analogies with athletic training and to discuss spritual development. This use has carried forward into our language today and generally means an aspect of prayer and spirituality. But it is so much more, it is the disciplined practice behind the Word. My own personal brand of askesis is - I take it to mean every human activity that deals with creativy and anyone who strives towards excellence.
There are many ways to be religious, and over time people have tried them all. We live in the land of the free and brave, the prime golden calf territory. Religious feeling runs high, but it does not resemble the ancient teachings of Sinai nor does it resemble the acts of Calvary. While everyone has a deep and insatiable hunger for God, most of the great golden calf country does not have a desire for HIM. What we really want is to be our own god. In fact we want whatever gods are around to help us in this endeavor, as evidenced in the survey. Which model did you aquire? Did your god come to you in working order?
I submit that we all need to understand life as an askesis, as an athletic extravagant energy. It is not reducible to human control and is not to be harnessed by a religious job which warrants a cutomer service survey. We are all walking on sacred ground. We share this space with our loved ones and others who cross our path daily. Whenever I meet someone, I ask myself why has God put this person in my path. Which brings to mind the scripture from I Corrintians 13:7- Love knows no limit to our enurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope, it can outlast anything. If we uderstand life as anything less, then the askesis we construct is a false stage set, no more than a prop for religious performance. At this point, askesis is a devotional narcissism.
So ask yourself, why the contemplative life? The contemplative life generates and releases an enormous amount of energy! Rather than the enervating frenzy of our pride, it exudes grace.
The well is deep my friend, and we all need a bucket to draw the living water from the well. We need a container to hold the water. Desires and demands are sieves. We all need a vessel that will feed our souls.
What does this mean? This means we must treat people with great dignity (not exploiting them in a religious cause), and we must deal with the times with great realism (not denying the pain or avoiding the difficulties). Anything less is a religous staged set.
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ Yahweh
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___ Permits sex outside of marriage
___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
___ Requires burnt offerings
___ Requires virgin sacrifices
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Needed focus in whom to despise
___ Imaginary friend grew up
___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Wanted to piss off parents
___ Needed a day away from work
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Bill Gates
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Ra
___ Beelzebub
___ Barney T.B.P.D.
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ Elvis
___ Cindy Crawford
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology
__ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea leaves __ EST __ CompuServe
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering in a desert
__ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife
Other:___________
7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More divine intervention
b. Less divine intervention
c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
spam 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of beings entered).
